Stop. Drop. Panic.

There’s so much going on right now I feel like I haven’t had a chance just to sit back and take a deep breath. Tonight was my first Pilates Fusion class in two weeks (I missed last week because I was away) and it hurt. Pilates is a funny kind of exercise, during the class, when you’re lying on the mat, it doesn’t feel like you’re doing a lot, but don’t go for a week and then see how much it hurts the next day.

And I think it’s kind of metaphoric for everything that’s happening. Real life barrels on by and I’ve got so much to update: one author reading, two more books, band widow plans, our visit to the tax lady, writing work, work-work, but I feel like I can’t even spare the few minutes to share even the smallest insight into where my head is these days.

A couple of things:

1. It’s really annoying to get addicted to an awful show (ahem, The Black Donnellys) and have NBC cancel the show, air the final episodes online and then BLOCK you becauase you happen to live in the .ca.

2. Jennifer Lopez is on American Idol. Do you think she would have done that three years ago during the height of her so-called explosion?

3. It’s possible to be so busy during the day that you don’t even have time to go to the bathroom. It’s possible. But so not practical.

4. The tailbone? Still. Hurts.

5. How can a brand new work computer just stop sending out sound? It was like it just didn’t want to play that last track on Balanced on a Pin and decided to be mute. Perhaps it didn’t like the Helen Keller quip I had sent around on work email and wanted to teach me a lesson. I have quite come to depend on CBC Radio 2 to keep my mind quiet at work; it was very noisy today. As a result, I’m wildly panicked and feeling kind of overwhelmed.

6. It takes an old friend to point out the obvious. My RRHB had lunch with a friend who moved away and noted, “Ragdoll really likes her new job and you’re getting a lot done on the house. Sounds like things are going well for you guys.”

7. Life After Tomorrow is AWESOME.

8. Facebook has become my new sugar…

9. Is anyone else as tired as I am with the fact that the various Law & Orders keep cribbing storylines from one another (creepy religious guy, rap-world murder, shocking plot twists).

10. I miss the movies.

#23 – Good Morning, Midnight

I’ve been listening to Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black, one of the girls in the car up to conference brought it along, and it’s lovely, aching, heartfelt, broken, all the things a good record should be (there are a couple of songs that are just okay but for the most part, the whole album is really crisp). And I just finished reading Good Morning, Midnight by Jean Rhys. For some reason, the two fit so well together, the lonely, rough voice of Amy’s music echoes exceptionally well the narrative voice of Sophia Jansen, the protagonist of this strange little novel.

Rhys wrote Wide Sargasso Sea, which is one of my favourite books, and I’ve also read Voyage in the Dark, but years ago, so it’s not as fresh as the latter, which I’ve read three or four times in my lifetime now. But this novel isn’t as coherent as the other two, Good Morning, Midnight‘s stream of consciousness narrative is hard to follow sometimes; it’s as confused, pained and as troubled as the narrator herself.

Faintly the story of a struggling single girl who has escaped a tragedy only to attempt and drink herself to death, there’s little in Paris for Sophia (or sometimes Sasha) beyond the cafes and the chicken scratches of an everyday existence to keep her alive. Abandoned by life itself, she wanders through the days in a wine-soaked state and drowns her dreams in Luminol in the evenings. Profoundly sorrowful, Rhys’s novel vacillates between the utter beauty of modernism and a very true feeling of drowing. French inter-mixed with English, past mingled with present, real life confused with the stuff of dreams, it’s hard not to ache when following Sophia stumbling down the street or listening to her rant hysterically to the men who become her companions.

As with all the books I read in my Around the World in 52 Books challenge, a trend seems to be evolving, where displaced (or replaced, or happily emigrated?) authors tell stories not of their native land (in Rhys’s case, Dominica) but of their adopted homelands or even of places wild in their own imaginations. The setting for this novel is post-First World War Paris, just before the onslaught of the next devastating conflict. There’s evidence of many displaced persons within the book, refugees from life like Sophia herself, who find themselves all searching for money and acceptance. But all in all it’s the ache in Rhys’s writing that holds me tight in my place, her delicate way of describing situations, and her flighty use of metaphor, which makes me want to give up writing all together, find a bottle and romantically walk the streets of Paris wearing chunky heels and a new coat, and then fall into a shabby hotel only to wake up the next day and do it all over again.

Wholly deserving being found on page 402 of my 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die. Fully captured in the feeling of heartbreak and ideal reading on the plane ride to Paris.

There’s a bookshop next door, which advertises second-hand English novel. The assistant is Hindu. I want a long, calm book about people with large incomes – a book like a flat green meadow and the sheep feeding in it. But he insists on selling me lurid stories of the white-slave traffic. ‘This is a very good book, very beautiful, most true.’

Oh Girl…

You are quite a contradiction: with your 7 For All Mankinds, your Louis Vuitton bag with its Dolce & Gabbana scarf tied so carelessly around the shoulder strap, as if to say, ‘it’s okay, I can afford if it gets ruined by the April snow,’ worrying, always about what people think…and then heading into Popeye’s Chicken on Yonge Street.

Random Comments From My Work Conference

Enter Ragdoll dressed as well as can be expected for a chubby girl taking lots of disease medicine that’s making her very well indeed. I mean it may be keeping her alive but it’s certainly pulling her out of the pretty club faster than you can say Fat Actress.

She nervously stands looking shockingly out of place beside an empty table and sits down, joined by not one, but two very important men. What does she say to them? Oh, in no order of embarrassment she babbles on about cottages, work boyfriends, and her RRHB’s exploits in Saskatchewan where, apparently, the hottest women in Canada live.

In fact, she actually reenacted the scene from Austin Powers, it was the coup de gras: he’d say something about snow; I’d zip it and use the sassy hand move. “Sn–” [Sassy hand gesture} “Zip it!” Stop. Turn purple with embarrassment. Repeat. Are these not the stages of complete and utter corporate exposure. Has she turned into Bridget Jones (there were few embarrassing speeches and only one fellow who somewhat resembled Mark Darcy)?

Oh.

Look.

There’s snow in April.

She thinks the zip it was most certainly vindicated.

A-hem.

Earlier in the week, an author we’re publishing came to visit. I told him I was realy looking forward to reading his book (it’s a non-fiction title a topic close to my heart).

I said, “I can’t wait to read your book, my great-grandfather fought with the American company during that war, the one with William Faulkner.”

“Oh yes,” the author says, “it was such and such…”

And then someome piped up, “That would make a great novel.”

Yes, yes it would, and it’s something I’ve been thinking about for about three years now. Anyone want to publish it? I promise it’ll be good. Will anyone remember that pitch in the beginning of the morning…probably not. But it’s cool.

Now that it’s over I have very few regrets. I work with lovely, lovely people, some of whom I think I’ll have a grand time with over the next few years on some really fantastic projects. All in all, despite my nerves, despite my utter feeling of awkwardness and geekiness. Despite feeling out of place and scared most of the time, it’s over, and it’s only going to get better from here. And for the first time in many, many, many years, I’m truly excited about going into to work every day.

I have one more thing to say. It’s to the very important person who sat beside me at dinner that night: thank you for not only making me feel lovely, but for saying so out loud. It really was fun. The best night of my conference.

But in spite of being nervous in front of very powerful people, and as someone very wise with whom I work said to me: “Relax, Ragdoll, This is just your life now.”

And I think I’m going to enjoy it.

[They] Are The Champions

How often is it that the lit blog community and Oprah Winfrey agree on anything? Well, there was that whole James Frey thing but let’s set that aside for a moment. Is it coincidence that the Tournament of Books picked The Road just as Oprah announced her latest book club? Entirely.

But does it send out meta-tastic ironic vibes that us lit bloggers (and yes, I’m being generous and including myself in the the group) actually know what we’re talking about most of the time?

Shocking, I know.

Hell, you know what I’m most looking forward to, and I hate to be catty but, again, it’s late, I’m tired, are all the strange blog posts from the shiny happy people who usually read the Oprah book pick looking for something other than the utterly brillian Cormac McCarthy. And damn that I haven’t read that book yet considering I was going to pick it as my US entry for Around the World in 52 Books and slipped in The Emperor’s Children in it’s place. I might honestly get the RRHB to blog about it in my place as he devoured that novel in an afternoon last summer up at the cottage.

(High fives to BGB for the linkage)

Green Colonialism

I’m not sure if this term has been coined before, but there’s an article in Slate about how the WSJ profiles a Swedish multimillionaire who has bought up 700,000 acres of Brazilian forest; his altruistic intentions have been thus criticized as ‘green colonialism’.

Really? My first thought is to sprout off all kinds of arguments against using the idea of colonialism in this way but I have to admit that it does need some more thought before I put my foot in my mouth.

Poem For Today

It’s Poetry Month and Knopf US sends out poem-a-day emails. Today’s selection is by Anna Akhmatova, “The door is half open…”

The poem is almost 100 years old at this point, and still, the metaphor of the door being half open, despite perhaps becoming cliched if we were to write it today, still resonates simply because of the gorgeous three lines that follow it. It’s the perfect example of how writing can always contextualize itself in even small places.

I’m fascinated by Ahkmatova, and I’ve had a giant biography sitting on my TBR pile for almost two years now. I’d like to say that I’ll get to it soon but with 1001 Books and other challenges, I think that it might be years still before it works up in the ranks.

#22 – April in Paris

I’m glad to be back from conference—it was a long week. Since I haven’t read anything new, I’m really happy that Michael Wallner’s April in Paris has finally been published. The German entry in my Around the World in 52 Books challenge, I finished this novel while we were on vacation in Cuba. It’s not saying much, considering how awful certain parts of that trip were (ahem, the hotels), that I preferred to be reading rather than watching yet another Dirty Jobs marathon on one of the two illegal American television stations in our room at night.

Anywaaay, behind-the-scenes reading aside, I really enjoyed this novel. It’s captivating and engaging without being overly wordy (it’s a relatively short 256 pages). Set in Paris during the Second World War, April in Paris tells the story of Michel Roth, a German soldier stationed in French capital who falls in love with Chantal, a resistance fighter.

Roth speaks impeccable French, and his post in the German army is that of an interpreter. Knowing that he could be charged with treason or worse, he sneaks out at night in a white suit, changing in bombed-out Parisian buildings, and walks the city, long to pass for anything other than the enemy. On one of his walks, he sees Chantal, and begins to follow her. She resists him at first, doesn’t trust his perfect French, his made-up story, and as the truth comes out, on both sides, they do fall in love.

When a tragic act of the French Resistance finds them out in many different ways, the inevitable reality of the war breaks apart any chance they might have had, in other circumstances, to be together. There’s an aspect of a good thriller in this novel, and Michel is a thoroughly sympathetic character, despite the fact that he was an officer in the German army. In a sense, the novel reminded me of that one scene in Band of Brothers where the Germans were singing across the line on Christmas Eve, about how despite the politics and the absolutely evil actions of the company of men in charge of Michel’s existence, he’s still human. He still has feelings; he still has a story worth telling, worth hearing.

The setting, occupied Paris, evokes such powerful images, and similar to Nemirovsky, but without the overtones of her giant Russian-like writing style, Wallner’s novel brings the time alive through his sharp prose and tight narrative. And not to be unbearably cliched, but the ultimate tragedy of the situation is Shakespearean and completely doomed from the beginning, which somehow makes the story utterly satisfying.