Notes From A House Frau XXI

Nostalgia: Pictures For My Kid

Last night, my RRHB and I went to see The Lowest of the Low play Massey Hall. For a long time, he and that band’s lead singer have been good friends. It’s a pretty amazing thing to see someone you’ve known for twenty years (they were celebrating the 20th anniversary of Shakespeare My Butt) up on stage at one of Toronto’s most prestigious venues. It’s also really cool to see Massey Hall packed with people who have adored that record as a life anthem for as long as its been pressed jumping up and down in their seats, singing along, knowing all the words, and clamoring after the band post-show for autographs etc. It was a delightful evening.

But, as with everything these days, the whole evening just got me thinking about where the heck twenty years disappeared to. The disease had just been diagnosed, and I was out for one of the first times since getting out of the hospital. The same side effects (puffy face, hair loss, pimples, weight gain) on a much younger, non-postpartum body seem almost glorious in retrospect. I was wearing a cute, flowered dress, this I remember. We were upstairs at Sneaky Dees and my RRHB’s first band, Dig Circus, opened up for The Lowest of the Low. The RRHB sang me the dirty bits of “Rosy and Grey.” I danced a lot. We weren’t together but it seems almost prophetic to think back now as to how we were probably always destined to be together anyway. He’s still the very best person I know. He was back then. Brought me a hilarious Pepsi hat when I was in the hospital and hugged me like I was no different. He still holds me like that today. I treasure that, it’s something to cling to during all of this, and how hard it’s been for so long.

Annnywaay, I got stinking drunk. And managed to get stinking drunk for many, many Low shows in the coming years. There was one point when we (my dearest Hannah) saw them play in Kingston, and then drove all the way to Banff where we were working for the summer, only to see them there as well. Knowing the band, because so many of my friends from high school were in Dig Circus, was a highlight of my young life — it felt so cool to go to the club and talk to the band. I had grown up with obsessive love for so many bands, a lot of it I outgrew (goodness, I listened to so much U2 in high school and then never again), but it also set the tone for so much of my life. I love live music, prefer it in dingy clubs before the bands are big enough to hit Massey Hall where you can get right up close to the front of the stage and go deaf listening to the up and down and back and forth of it all. And I’ve seen so many life-changing rock shows with my RRHB and they always make me nostalgic. Not like the nostalgia of last night, of a misspent youth, of the hundreds of hours I’ve spent drinking beer and jumping up and down, of thinking about all of the things that have passed since the very first time I’d seen the Low until now, but of how rich my life is because music, good music, has always been in it.

Before the show, the RRBB and I danced around the kitchen to “Come on Eileen”, a favourite song that just happened to be on the radio. A few weeks ago we went to see The Pixies (also at Massey Hall; they played another anthem album, Doolittle), and a couple weeks before that we went to see the Elephant 6 Collective (although another throw-back to the 90s, I had only started listening to these bands in the last couple years). I’m lucky to know some of the musicians whose words and sounds have made such an impact on my life. I feel words deeply. They are more than letters strung together. They are always pregnant with meaning and precious with pause — they keep me whole and make me who I am. Without them, without being constantly amazed by how other people use them, I would be lost. Without my own words, I would have drifted off into the abyss of the disease, of the general overwhelming tragedy of my life, years and years ago. And then to know the incredible human beings behind the words, the melody, the tunes that are as familiar to me as the smell of the city after a delicious rainfall, well, I’m lucky.

In a way, I want our RRBB to know his parents outside of this role we have fallen into simply because of his creation. When we first announced his impending arrival, thus dubbed “fig” for the duration of his incubation, our families and friends were really excited for us. The baby became the centre of our universe. It’s all anyone talked about, and now that he’s here, he’s the star of the show, and rightfully so. He’s a gregarious, delicious little creature who brings the joy like nothing I’ve ever had in my life. But we were people before him. In fact, I think we were pretty interesting people. And for him to appreciate how rich he has made our lives, he needs to know how rich our lives were before he was a fig in my belly. Our lives aren’t captured on film, so he’ll rely on photos and stories and seeing the people we’ve known for more than 20 years at birthdays and occasions and dinners and we’ll become the “parents” — it’s generational, and it’s not something that can be changed. I don’t want to be his friend. I am his mother. This is a role I take very seriously, but I do want him to know us as friends in relation to the people we know, to the goodness we’ve put out into the world, to the weight we attach to words in both of our lives. We can play him the songs. Perhaps he’ll fall in love with them too. Perhaps he won’t. Maybe he’ll hate music and want only to play hockey. Maybe he’ll really not like books (argh!) and love video games. Who knows. For now, I’m satisfied to let him in a little bit at time — to dance around the kitchen yelling “Torra loora rye aye” and hoping he feels the joy I feel when I hear that song.

It’s Mother’s Day. We are not celebratory people, in a sense, no, that doesn’t describe it. Celebrating life on specific, somewhat made up holidays (Valentine’s Day, etc) has never really been my/our thing. I mean, I know I’ve told this story before, but neither of us can ever remember our wedding day — RRHB because he wasn’t convinced about getting married in the first place and me because I was always convinced I just wanted to be married and couldn’t give a whip about a wedding. People look at me strange when I say I honestly have no idea when my anniversary is, but I’m more interested in being with my RRHB on a daily basis, on celebrating my marriage in my own way, than I am about making a big deal about anniversaries, holidays, etc. We love our families. We love our family. We love each other. We love him. I’ve survived another day with the disease and, in ways, I think nostalgia truly takes up enough space in my life in so many good ways that I don’t need to save it all up for one day. When my RRHB kept asking me what I wanted to do for Mother’s Day, I didn’t have an answer. And then, I’m glad I didn’t. Because today was perfect and perfectly us. We got up, had pancakes, took the baby for a wonderful walk by the lake, and spent an afternoon talking nostalgia about the last twenty years. And, for the first time in a long, long time, my eyes are wet and dripping with tears that feel like little blessings and not the unbearable weight of the disease.

#41 – Must You Go?

Antonia Fraser’s memoir of her life with Harold Pinter could not have been more delightful had it actually been delivered to my door as ice cream, toffee and chocolate sauce. Sweet, but not saccarine, sharp but not severe, it’s simply an account of two people who met, fell in love, and then spent the rest of their lives together. Fraser, well known for her biographies of Mary, Queen of Scots, all of Henry’s wives, among other writings, met Pinter, the infamous playwright, while both were ensconced in other long-term marriage (each had been with their spouses for eighteen years). Neither expected to leave their marraige. Neither expected to fall so deliciously in love with one another — but that’s exactly what happened.

Fraser’s elegy to her late husband opens with the explanation of the book’s title — Fraser, having met Pinter in passing, was about to leave a party, when she stepped over to say goodbye, he said, “Must you go?” She didn’t, and they spent the rest of the night and a good part of the next morning talking. Thus setting the tone for not only their relationship but for how the two would build an exceptionally happy marriage. Taken almost exclusively from her Diary writings, the book’s construction remains remarkably linear, a story told from beginning, to the middle, and to the end, which might feel tedious in the hands of a lesser writer. Even Fraser’s everyday notations are fascinatingly witty, endearing and utterly full of heart. The entire book has a sweetness to it but, at the same time, it’s also an incredible glimpse into the private lives of two very famous writers. How they work seems almost secondary to the everyday goings on — the lunches, the friendships, the travelling, their children — and the creative process is never discussed in any depth, simply mentioned in passing as a part of the rest of their lives.

Diary entries seem so private. And I’m sure a solid amount of sculpting and editing has gone into shaping them so that they make sense in a more public way. This isn’t a traditional memoir, and even though it’s so very different stylistically, it’s just as moving as Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking. Yet where Didion almost collapses under the weight of her loss, Fraser seems to be more intent upon writing a celebration of their lives. I’m certain that Fraser deeply mourned the loss of the love of her life but she’s got a wonderful attitude towards life — always enjoying the experience, always looking for the next bit of history to capture her attention, always celebrating her immensely happy marriage — that’s infectious. It’s a great book to be reading when your own life isn’t necessarily going in the up and up, especially health-wise, especially to see that Pinter was still acting, still writing (but not necessarily new plays; more poems and short pieces), and still incredibly active politically even when he was suffering from cancer, yet another disease, and then the painful side effects of all the medication.

I’m consistently amazed at the amount of true work that they both managed to accomplish, especially in the middle years of their lives, what with seven kids (Fraser had six; Pinter, one) to raise and plenty of drama (Pinter’s ex-wife had a hard time accepting that he had left and refused on numerous occasions to grant him a divorce). In the truest sense of the word, for me, this was a book that proves that love triumphs, that a good attitude can battle any adversity, that it’s worth standing up for your politics, for your love, for your life, and that visiting dead writers’s graves always makes for an excellent photo opp. I had a library copy, which I had to return, or else I would have quoted from the book directly — but what I would have loved, as well, is a bibliography of everything that Fraser and/or Pinter read over the years, an addendum to their writing lives — what a fascinating study that would have made as well. Regardless, it’s an excellent read, and one that I’m so happy I found.

Also, Must You Go? REALLY makes you want to keep a daily diary, but knowing my life isn’t remotely as exciting as the Pinter/Fraser household, perhaps I’ll refrain and just steady on here as I’ve been doing the last few years.

#40 – The Troubled Man

This novel was incredibly bittersweet — not 100% mystery, not 100% your typical Swedish thriller, and there’s an element of incredibly honesty about aging throughout these pages. So often, male authors of a certain age (ahem, John Irving, Rushdie, ahem) tread and re-tread their same themes: men sleeping with younger/older women, ridiculous novels that they’ve written thrice before, and the banner of “literary fiction” seems to save them from ridicule. They rest on their laurels. They rest on the fact that they’ve written great works before. But I call these novels “mid-life crisis on the page.” They generally frustrate me critically and as a reader — they aren’t pushing any boundaries and there’s not a lot of honesty going on. I respect honesty on the page, from a writer, from their characters.

Mankell’s The Troubled Man, which is not without its problems (the dialogue, in particular, between Wallander and his daughter Linda is rather painful), but at its heart, the theme that touched me most was seeing how such a vibrant, aggressively distinctive man reacts to getting older. And not just middle age, but old age, as Wallander starts forgetting things, losing time and generally suffering from the first symptoms of dementia. It’s actually quite heartbreaking — yet, it doesn’t stop Wallander from solving the novel’s key mystery — the disappearance of Linda’s quasi-father-in-law.

The mystery in the novel seems straightforward at first, Håkan von Enke, a highly decorated, extremely respected naval officer (he was the captain of various Swedish submarines) simply disappears on day while on his daily walk. There’s nothing missing from his bank accounts, he has taken no clothes, and it’s as if he vanished into thin air. And when, a few weeks later, his wife also vanishes without a trace, the entire story becomes more complex. Are the von Enke’s what they seem? Are they alive? Are they dead? Wallander does his best to solve the mystery — looking at things from a different perspective, turning them over in his mind, until the book comes to its penultimate action, and the case is solved.

Mankell writes in tangents, suddenly Wallander’s making steak or doing something that simply appears in the story, and there are a lot of characters that seem to show up to tie up loose ends — both in terms of the detective’s life and of the central mystery. It’s interesting that much of this novel takes place outside of Wallander’s actual police duties. He’s on sick leave and/or vacation for most of the book, but like many hero’s of crime fiction, he just can’t stop working. The case sits before him, eating away at his subconscious, until he finally figures out the answers. Taking the focus away from traditional police work allows the novel to pay attention to Wallander’s personal life — his old relationships, the loss of good friends, the general sense of melancholy he feels about aging, about what’s happening to his brain.

Again, the tangents that Mankell intersperses throughout the text are sometimes daunting, they pull away from the story and allow the narrative to wander. In a way, it feels as if Mankell, by consistently pulling Wallander in all these different directions, is narratively representing the state of his mind — disjointed, sometimes confused, sometimes razor sharp, agile, angry, yet always on the cusp of discovery (and eventually he does solve the crime). All in all, like I said at the beginning of the post, it’s a bittersweet read — but one that challenges the idea of “genre” fiction, more ‘end of life’ (is there a word for this, like the opposite of buldingsroman?) novel than anything, and there’s nothing that makes you think more than the mortality of one of your favourite characters on the page.

The Prednisone Crazies: A Top 10 List

Throughout the history of my having Wegener‘s, I’ve been taking prednisone off and on for about 20 years. Not consistently, but always as the disease flares, gently in some cases, and more aggressively (like now) in others. My system seems to be sensitive to the drug, to all drugs actually, which means that I tend to experience the side effects deeply. It’s how I ended up with my tragic hip — Avascular Necrosis brought on by massive doses of prednisone when the disease was first diagnosed and the doctors were aggressively treating the disease to save my kidneys, and to stop my lungs from bleeding (which is what happened at Week 32 of my pregnancy as well). The most intense side effect I feel from the drug would have to be the psychosis. More often than not, it sends me reeling into a pit of depression and this always seems to last so much longer than the active symptoms of the disease. It’s a hard way to live. All of the underlying issues with having a long-term disease, of battling for your health on a daily basis, of coping with the absolute fact that you can’t control what’s happening, of never knowing and/or feeling 100% yourself for months, even years at a time, are exhausting. So, after much thought, I’m trying to be more positive and reconnect with all of the things in my life that make me, well, me, so I don’t go completely off the rails this time with the meds. Usually, it’s thinks like routine and work that keep me grounded, but as I’m on mat leave, it’s harder to cling to the old ways of coping.

1. Get Outside
The weather truly sucks my ass. I mean, it’s raining ALL the time, and it’s oppressive. But, I find even if I take a short walk, mainly with the RRBB, I feel better. I also managed to get an hour’s worth of gardening done this week (that’s my wild arugula coming up) while my RRHB took the baby for a walk.

2. Read
Yes, I know I do this anyway, but the more I read, the more I feel like I’m moving forward in my life. perhaps that doesn’t make much sense but it helps ground my brain in more than the frenetic panic that the prednisone causes — it stops me from collapsing entirely into the cloud-like depression that hangs overhead. It’s a cliched, but apt, metaphor for how the drugs envelop your brain. Reading gives my imagination a chance to battle it back.

3. Write
This is self-explanatory. Last night the RRBB went to bed at 645. If we keep this up, I can actually take an hour or two right after he goes down and after scarfing down some dinner to string some of my own non-blog words together. It’s energy I don’t have but that I can’t afford to waste either watching the last 16 or so episodes of Oprah, which is what I have been doing.

4. Ask for Help
I’m terrible at this — but the best and only way of coping with the psychosis, for me anyway, is talk therapy. I’ve tried drugs and I don’t like to take them. And the fact that I’ve been sleepless for so long isn’t helping the weeping, and if I can at least try and express some of the hopelessness I feel in a safe environment, it means that the “crazies” (and how they manifest in my brain) won’t necessarily overwhelm me to the point where I’m scrubbing bathrooms with a toothbrush and bleach at 3AM.

5. Restorative Yoga
Goodness, I wish we weren’t so bloody broke. But I know now is not the time to be taking private restorative yoga classes. However, I can’t say enough how awesome and healing my practice is in terms of both the disease and what it does to my brain. Right now, we’re doing a bit of Mom and Baby yoga on Thursdays at Liberty Movement Studio, and that’ll have to do.

6. Letting The OCD In One List At A Time
One of the ways that the prednisone manifests itself is through OCD tendencies. I make endless lists, spend hours running through figures, worry about dirt, and organize and re-organize things like shelves, books, closets. In a way, I think it’s a way for my mind to cope with the overwhelming sense that I have utterly no control over what’s happening in my body. The more I feel like I have control, the calmer I am, even if there’s little to nothing that I can do about rising creatinine levels or coughing up crap — I have to leave that up to the doctors and the medication — I can try and staunch the rapidly increasing panic that sits in the middle of my chest with an active To Do List and more organization.

7. Trying Not To Be So Hard On Myself
I look terrible. I feel terrible. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t look like myself. I could spend hours creating negative downward spirals of self-defeatist thinking, abandoning all rational thought, starting silly fights with my spouse about feeling all of the above, and then, I have to stop. Because you know what a great cure for the above is — the RRBB. His silly grin and absolute joy in my company, regardless of how hard it is to find the energy to take care of him, means I’m smiling for most of the day. Everyone looks better when they are smiling, even if their cheeks are ridiculously puffy and outlandish from the disease. Hey, here’s a silver lining — usually the “moon face” is accompanied by acne, but I’m guessing post-natal hormones have kept that in check because my skin is actually quite clear. This also means not feeling bad about watching too much television or all of the other goals on my usual New Year’s Revolutions list.

8. Don’t Listen to the Voices in My Head
The worst of the prednisone crazies, the voices that suddenly come upon the scene and tell me to do horrible things like drive my car into oncoming traffic and/or jump off a high rise, haven’t started yet. This is something I’m incredibly thankful for. The pressure of what goes on in my brain is so intense that years ago I started doing something odd — climbing in my closet and closing the door. And when I feel most overwhelmed, when there’s nothing but mud and anger between my ears, all I want to do is climb back into the closet. A long time ago, I filled them up with stuff so that it wasn’t a possibility. I thought it was the most rational thing to do at the time, but now I can calm myself down by thinking that I’d like to get in, but not actually crawling into the cupboard and closing the door. Even small steps are victories. Right?

9. Weep
Better out than in.

10. Know That I Will Get Better
This one is the hardest. Living with a long-term disease is like an endurance run — it’s a permanent change to your life, it forces you in directions you would never go, and forces you to contend with your mortality more often than not. Positive thinking, that’s what so many people tell me — my yoga teacher, in the form of a mantra; my family, in the form of how much love and good energy they have towards me; my friends, in the form of their never-ending support. Now I need to translate all of that into my own mind and know that I will get better, even if it takes months, years, this time around, I have so much more life ahead of me, I just wish I could live it. You know?

#39 – The Elegance of the Hedgehog

Two very good friends recommended this book to me, and they were both so very correct to do so considering how much I enjoyed it. The Elegance of the Hedgehog is a compelling, intelligent and utterly charming book. From the setting, an elegant apartment building in the centre of Paris where exceptionally well off people live, Barbery sculpts the story from two distinct points of view. Renee, the building’s concierge, spends her days hiding her intelligence from those who live above her — both literally and metaphorically. Paloma, an incredibly precocious and bright 12-year-old, lives on the fifth floor and also hides — from her parents, from her schoolmates, from just about anyone simply because she likes to be quiet and think.

Both are convinced that there are deep metaphysical and philosophical reasons to hide. Renee hides because she’s convinced the boundaries of society — she being a lowly concierge — defines her in a particular time, place, essence. Paloma hides because she’s convinced that life isn’t necessarily worth continuing — she’s decided to commit suicide the moment of her 13th birthday, it’s the only logical thing someone of her intelligence can do, you see. Both create personas they show to the world and keep their true selves hidden away. Until one day when a new tenant renovates an apartment in the building, a mysterious Mr. Ozu, discovers the truth about both of them, connecting them in a way that only kindred spirits (those of the Anne of Green Gables kind) can be connected.

The novel skips back and forth between the worlds of Paloma (from upstairs) and Renee (from downstairs) and at once you get the view of the classicism Barbary seems to be exploring. There’s deep philosophical undercurrents running through the novel. Renee attempts to teach herself phenomenology (which, if I remember anything from my second year class in existentialism is simply incomprehensible), she explores Japanese films, reads the Russians and generally soaks up impressive amounts of knowledge. Yet, even though she’s just a lowly concierge, her intelligence can’t be hidden forever — and it takes an outsider, someone who truly “sees” her, to break open her own psychological barriers about her background and the expectations she has from her life. Renee believes she’s a peasant — and that shall forever set her aside from those she serves.

Paloma, born into wealth and privilege, easily sees through the trappings of her societal sect. She’s vicious when it comes to cutting through the nonsense, mocks her mother’s seemingly useless therapy, feels her sister’s academic pursuits are more for show than anything, and is constantly questioning the world around her to find meaning. In a way, she’s represents an epistomological side to within the novel — always wondering about knowledge, driving her own theories about what meaning truly is, and defining herself consistently by what she knows or how she knows it.

Renee, if we are speaking in dichotomies, despite her Cartesian inferences, is the flipside — more ontological, she’s consistently questioning her very existence, talking in terms of not being “seen” and/or “noticed” by the people she interacts with every day. Metaphorically, it goes back to the age-old “if a tree falls in the forest…” kind of thinking. The more Renee hides, the more she proves her theory that her true self isn’t worthy of existence, and when she is “found out” to be the brilliant, interesting, fascinating, self-taught lovely woman she is — the revelation isn’t lost on those around her. And love, which she believed to be forever banished from her life, becomes a very real and distinct possibility.

The novel is just full of delicious, quotable prose, but because I had a library book, I didn’t want to ear mark the pages and was never around a pen and pencil to jot things down. Just know that there were moments of absolute bliss when I was reading this book — a clarity of character and perception that I found so refreshing — and the ending, oh, the ending, it’s very sad, but oh so fitting, and I am ever so glad that I read this book.

WHAT’S NEXT: I’m reading the latest Wallander novel by Mankell. Hoping to get it finished and then on to my other library books before I take everything back this week. And get back to my shelves for the next little while.

Notes From A House Frau XX

I Am Drowning in Empathy

At this very moment, my RRHB is serenading the RRBB with very sweet guitar sounds, singing softly to him, and I am finding it a struggle not to bawl. I am not going to lie. Things are hard right now. It’s been a long six months of fighting the disease with very little good news. As a result of my blood work being so wonky, I’m back on a higher dose of prednisone and it’s actually taking its toll this time around. I am defeated and down. I am hoping every moment of every day that it isn’t reflected in my parenting. That the baby can’t take one look at his puffy, grey-haired mother and think: “Why did I end up with her?”

He’s six months old now, and we officially have to start weaning him. I need to start taking not one but probably two different medications for the disease, and neither are compatible with nursing. I am so hesitant to let it go, not because I think it’s so good for him, or because we’ve created an accidental parenting nightmare with him only nursing to sleep for the most part but, rather, because it’s truly the one thing that’s gone so very right amongst all of the wrong the last few months. He’s a champion nurser — has gained a great deal of weight, and is rarely waking up more than once a night now that we’ve got a semi-decent bedtime routine going. I’m clinging to breastfeeding in the sense that it’s a symbol of normalcy in terms of my life at the moment. I feel like a regular everyday mom, and not one whose exhaustion comes from a battle going on within her own body rather than the comforting tiredness of raising an infant.

I can’t seem to hold back the blues any longer. I’ve tried. I’m doing it all right: I’m getting out, getting exercise, seeing friends, have a great support system, but when my creatinine hit 180 and I knew the disease was back to its nasty, aggressive self, I felt palpable fear. A panic in the middle of my chest. An ache in my belly. A tell-tale sign that if you don’t fight psychologically as well as physically, the disease can beat you on all accounts. But thinking positively has never been a strong suit of mine. It’s funny — I like to think of myself as relatively upbeat person. Glass half-full. Glass half-fun. Lots of jokes. Laughing a lot. Enjoying life however it comes to me, but then, pour the prednisone into my system and I become entrenched in the cocoon of depressive thinking, everything’s going wrong, I suck at it all, I look terrible, I feel even worse, and it’s a vicious cycle that seems as hard to get off as a British roundabout.

And I cry. And cry. And cry. Not in front of the baby. And not about anything in general. I just feel so bad about so many different things — silly TV movies, an episode of Law and Order, a book, a newspaper article, the state of the environment, the election — the list goes on. I’m drowning in empathy. Goodness, my mother, who lived for over twenty years in a chronic care hospital, had a horrible existence. And I can’t stop thinking about her lately, feeling such epic pain on her behalf, and I know it’s not rational, she has thankfully passed away now, that it kept me up for hours the other night. Like Leonard Cohen sings, “I ache in places now where I used to play.” I know he means it slightly differently than I would interpret, more bodily, but my mind is aching in ways I haven’t had to deal with in decades. And I can keep it together. I am keeping it together. But I’m missing out on my own life in a way too. That’s what disease does to you — robs you of your potential. I’ve always thought that I’ve put up a really good fight of taking that potential back, of climbing out in ways that I can feel proud of: advanced degrees, writing, a career that I enjoy, a family, but for right now I’d settle for progress in a medical sense. For better test results, for my body to respond to the treatment, for someone to find a magical solution that rips the Wegener’s from my body once and for all.

Funnily, the baby and I are struggling together. He’s trying so desperately to move. He rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls but can’t get any further, and then he fusses because it’s frustrating not to be able to go where you want to go. I roll him back and pat his belly, tickle him a little, sing a little song, and he grins — it’s so delicious it could be a vegan cupcake — and then we start the whole ritual over again. But I know while he can be the “measure of my dreams” (so say the Pogues), he can’t be the solution to what’s going on in my brain. He doesn’t need that kind of pressure — I have to pull myself up from the malaise myself. Burdening your children with your happiness — what could be worse, I think, in terms of screwing them up for life.

Yet, there’s so much joy in the everyday. We took the picture above yesterday when all three of us sat outside on our back porch and just watched the rainstorm. Pounding down all around us, we three happy and dry, the rain was another new experience for him, and for us too, in a way, looking at it from his point of view, wanting him to know weather, life, the outdoors, our backyard, all the potential of his life. Maybe that’s the point, to remind myself that I still have potential, that the disease can’t take it all, I don’t have to let it win. But today, it’s winning. Today, I’m crying a little bit too much. I don’t want to leave the house. I want to eat Doritos, nachos and all kinds of other bad food. Thankfully, the Nephews are coming over for an hour and that should distract all of us from the maudlin feeling-sorry-for-myself kind of day I’m having.

#38 – Anthills of the Savannah

Because we had been reading a lot of Can Lit in our book club, and a lot of short stories to boot, I put forth Chinua Achebe‘s Anthills of the Savannah as our April selection. Over the years, my post-colonial reading has declined dramatically, and it was one of the goals of having an Around the World in 52 Books challenge — to end up reading more non-Canadian fiction. Alas, it was probably a good thing that I decided to actually make dinner for The Vicious Circle Book Club, if only so they’d forgive me for choosing such a dense, complex novel.

It took me six tries just to get passed the first few chapters, and we decided as a club that once you got to page 40, the book became readable, and you were somewhat home free. With respect to construction, it’s the most post-modern novel I’ve read in a long time: perspective switches from first, to third, from character to character, and the narrative often circles around events, moving back and forth in time, just assuming the reader will keep up. Here’s where we bring out that old po-co staple — that a lot of African fiction follows more oral than narrative traditions, but I’m not sure I’d make the sweeping generalization that Achebe was setting out to prove that — maybe it more like he was trying to reflect the impossibility of telling a story, a straight forward, this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened, kind of story, when your world is in utter chaos.

Set in the fictional West African nation, Kangon, three old school friends, Sam, Chris and Ikem, Western-educated men living among the upper echelons of society, must redefine their relationships now that Sam has become His Excellency — the country’s dictator. As Chris, one of the main characters says, “I have thought of all of this as a game that began innocently enough and then went suddenly strange and poisonous.” As the rest of the novel unravels, the story is strong: Sam wants to stay in power, and even though there’s an uprising “in the north” against him (which is a product of deep misunderstanding and miscommunication), lifelong friends Chris and Ikem, now the Minister for Information and the editor of the national newspaper respectively, bear the brunt of Sam’s fall from grace and are fired, forced into hiding and fighting for their lives.

Because characters are “witnesses,” the novel changes form on the drop of a hat — you can be in the first person with Chris in a meeting, then be reading some whimsical treatise by Ikem, listening to Beatrice, Chris’s girlfriend, speak pidgin English with Elewa, Ikem’s girlfriend, and then be in the middle of some strange scene involving non-doctors and other visiting dignitaries from all of their time in London. Structurally, narratively, the novel makes little sense, but the story is so powerful and the writing so excellent that instead of writing the book off as “bad” per se, I spent a long time trying to unravel why Achebe chose to tell it this way.

There are moments of pure grief in this novel. Acts of senseless violence, struggles that seem utterly relevant now, especially in light of what’s happening in the Middle East and in Northern Africa. There’s also an element of futility to the story, and the strength, the power in the continuation of life comes from the female characters. This was not something that went unnoticed by our book club — we all really loved the character of Beatrice, and I even went so far as to suggest that I probably would have found the novel easier if the entire book was written from her point of view. But easy isn’t the point, life itself isn’t easy, and living in a nation that’s having violent growing pains isn’t a story that can be told in traditional ways. In a sense, Achebe’s novel proves that our “canon,” the Western tradition, isn’t necessarily up to scratch when it comes to the complex and difficult “isms” surrounding the characters in this novel. I could think about it for weeks and not unpack it completely. And, if I were still in school, I think I’d be very happy to write a long, complex paper about it.

Kerry does an awesome job of recounting our discussion from the other night.

What’s Up Next: I’m devouring The Elegance of the Hedgehog. It’s delicious and delightful and utterly engaging. I’m almost through and I only started last night! And then I’ve got a long list of library books AND a beautiful friend who knows me so well sent me Roddy Doyle’s latest book of short stories — I couldn’t resist, I’ve already read the first 5 pages and can’t wait to read the rest. I adore him. So, I’ve abandoned Off the Shelf for now, but only because I needed a break. I was reading far, far too many mediocre books (with the exception of Julian Barnes, natch) and needed a breather. But I will go back. I am determined to read every single damn book that’s perched there, just to say that I did. Stubborn, yes. I know.

TRH Books – Catching Up

I don’t have time these days for individual posts but I do want to catch up so that I can take the time in the next couple weeks to really talk about a few books on my TBR pile. I’ve abandoned my stacks lately and have been reading library books for the most part, or books that the publishers have sent over. But here goes:

#33 – The Brightest Star in the Sky by Marian Keyes

At first, I didn’t quite understand the premise of this novel. The narrative — an omniscient “being” trying to figure out where to “land” — tells the story of the inhabitants of a building in modern-day Dublin. Each person and/or couple who lives in the flat has his/her/their issues in terms of life, work, relationships. You know, vintage Marian Keyes. It’s a swift, sweet and predictable read, but I enjoyed the book.

#34 – The Girl in the Green Raincoat by Laura Lippman

Rear Window meets She’s Having a Baby (without the histrionics) — Laura Lippman’s Tess Monaghan is laid up with pre–eclampsia prior to the birth of her daughter. When she sees a dog race by without its green raincoat wearing owner, she finds herself embroiled in a missing persons case she needs to solve from her bedside. I missed the novel when it was serialized in the New York Times Magazine, but I loved the story anyway: it’s short, yes, but it’s also vintage Lippman, smart, sassy, and truly addictive. In the post-script, Lippman explains the particular challenge of writing an ongoing character and/or story in serial format, and how she made each chapter complete while progressing the larger narrative as a whole. Fascinating.

#35 – Foursome by Jane Fallon

Jane Fallon’s latest novel, Foursome, tells the story of two married couples who have spent the last fifteen or twenty years being a, well, foursome. The two fellows are best friends; their wives the same. They make perfect pairs — happily married, great kids, fun, full lives in London — until everything starts to crumble the minute that one half decides to get divorced. Or, rather, one husband decides he simply isn’t happy and doesn’t want to be married any longer. When her safe, secure group breaks down, Rebecca isn’t quite sure how to put her life back together. Sure, her marriage is stable, and she’s got a job that she loves, but the minute Alex, the husband of her best friend Isabel, professes his undying love for her (oh boy; he’s her husband’s best friend!), which she has absolutely no interest or willingness to reciprocate, well, all hell breaks loose. And it only gets worse before it gets better when Alex starts to date the loathsome Lorna, her “work enemy.” In the end, it’s a book that knows that life can never stay the same once major shifts have happened, and whether it’s for better or for worse, change really must be accepted. Fallon’s such a refreshing chicklit writer — it’s hard to describe these novels as “chicklit,” though, they’re well-written, with great characters, more family drama than shoe shopping, and I just adore her sense of humour.

#36 – A History of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters by Julian Barnes

My reading affair with Barnes continues, and I adored this book of short stories. In fact, I’d say that the opening story, “The Stowaway,” might just be one of my all-time favourites, moving right up there beside “Hills Like White Elephants.” I love the tradition of writing back to our creation stories — Timothy Findley’s Not Wanted on the Voyage, Tom King’s Green Grass, Running Water — and Barnes does it exceptionally well. He winks at the reader throughout with the woodworm popping up in the most peculiar of places, and “Parenthesis,” might just be the most heartbreakingly beautiful discussion of love I’ve read in ages. Overall, these stories are brilliant, vintage Barnes and I can’t wait to read Flaubert’s Parrot, which is next on my Barnes Read-a-thon.

#37 – The Stonecutter by Camilla Lackberg

I wasn’t too terribly impressed with Lackberg’s first novel, The Ice Princess. But The Stonecutter is a definite improvement, despite its utterly confusing title — perhaps it should have been called The Stonecutter’s Wife, but whatever. After reading an article from NPR about other Swedish crime mysteries to equal THE Swedish Crime Series of the Century (The Girl With The…), I thought I’d give her another try. There’s still a lot of sloppiness to her novels: far too many characters and subplots meant to throw you off the “scent” of the main mystery and its conclusion. But I enjoyed the back and forth, past to the present, of this truly horrible character named Agnes — she’s was deliciously wicked in an awful way. And how Lackberg ties everything together in the end is quite satisfying. And I’m ever enjoyed the progression of the relationship between Erica and Patrick, who’s charged with solving the murder of a seven-year-old girl.

So, short mini-reviews of my reading this month. Now I am desperately trying to finish Anthills of the Savannah for book club tomorrow evening. No napping for me today! I think RRBB’s still got a contact high from all the Easter chocolate his mother may or may not have ingested yesterday anyway.

Notes From A House Frau IXX

All The Boys In The House

We baby sat my two nephews the other weekend — two six-month-old babies (see left) and one five-year-old. And it was chaos. My RRHB had The Nephew outside to do some yard work while I took care of the two wee babes. For a while, it was Keystone Cops: put one baby down, the other would cry; pick him up, then the first baby would cry. Wash. Rinse. Repeat for about 25 minutes. Then I got wise to their mojo and just walked around the house with a baby in each arm. Every now and again the cousins would reach over and hold one another’s hands. Babble a little bit. There was a point they were both in the crib and I heard SBC (Sweet Baby Cousin) screaming — RRBB had turned himself right around and was hoofing him in the head. Hilarious. Then it came time to put them all down: RRBB down first, nurse him while reading The Nephew some stories. RRHB rocking SBC as I put The Nephew to bed. I take SBC and continue to rock him to sleep. The whole production took hours. Seriously, how do people do it? It’s an art form, that’s for sure. But it was also completely fun.

The lessons I learned? Even though it was hard to have more than one baby at one time, and that my body can not remotely sustain another pregnancy, but if I was 10 years younger and 100 times healthier, I’d think I’d have bucketloads more kids. It’s just so fun. And that’s not to say that my RRHB and didn’t have a rich and fulfilling life before RRBB. We did. We travelled and made music and wrote unpublished novels and have wonderful friends and lovely families and loads of nieces and nephews and were considering moving to the UK (just because neither of us have lived anywhere else). But I’d always wanted to have children, and I am so glad that we did — I’m exhausted, still dealing with a disease that doesn’t seem to be quieting down, bored most days with being at home, but feeling enriched emotionally in ways that I find hard to describe. There’s an element of patience and kindness in my life that was absent before. I had a terrible temper growing up, and well into adulthood. Apartments with holes in the walls where I kicked them once I realized I’d lost my Metropass or was late because I couldn’t find my keys — all kinds of trivial things that didn’t remotely deserve the emotional response I gave them.

It’s so interesting. Humans have emotions to burn. Piles of pent up anger, rage, discomfort, and some of it’s absolutely debilitating. When you add tragedy to the mix, things intensify. There’s no where for the energy to go — and if you don’t find active, positive ways to disperse it, I think that’s when your brain just goes into overdrive. At least, that’s the way it is for me. When I was younger, I held it all in, the pain of losing my mother, the frustration of constantly dealing with a life-threatening disease, a string of ridiculously bad, terrifically awful relationships — constantly putting pressure on my brittle heart to take more and more. Gaining perspective isn’t easy. For me it took one major prednisone-induced breakdown in my 20s. I’m not sure how much I’ve talked about it — I couldn’t leave the house, was cleaning with bleach at 3 AM, never ate, and was listening to voices in my head telling me to jump off of buildings. Oh, and did I mention I was trying to finish my MA? It was the most difficult emotional time of my life — I didn’t have any coping mechanisms. And once the psychosis hit its peak (the voices), that’s when my kidney doctor at the time sent me to a shrink. I credit him with saving my mind and the “prednisone crazies” as I like to call them have never been so bad since. I have tools now of dealing with them — of knowing what it is and the right way to approach the overwhelming emotions.

I needed coping skills this week. My creatinine spiked to 180 (keep in mind normal is 70, and my “normal” is in the 120s) — the higher that number the less your kidney is functioning. And I was having all kinds of other advanced disease symptoms, terrible joint pain, awful ringing in my ears and ridiculously painful sinuses. I KNEW that because we had dropped the prednisone that it wasn’t simply strong enough to contain the Wegener’s. I cried, a lot. With the exception of when they diagnosed the disease, I’ve never had test results that high, and I’m living with the palpable fear that they’re not going to be able to control the disease. That my kidneys will go and that’ll be that — positive thinking aside, patience aside, I needed an outlet for all the excess emotions raging through my system. The calmer I am, the better it is — and thankfully, we got tickets to see The Pixies at Massey Hall (awesome seats, row L!). That one show, they played B sides and Doolittle only, reminded me not only of who I am but where I came from — we’ve listened to that record relentlessly. It’s one where I know all the words and all the songs and can place myself in different parts of my life through the music.

These days, because it’s such a fun stage — the six-month marker, I’ve been craving the baby. Not like I crave Cadbury’s Easter Eggs but more like something pulling at my heart. I don’t want to trivialize the relationship or state the obvious, write in cliches (every mother loves their child to abandon blah de freaking blah), but when he’s sleeping I wish he was awake. When he’s awake, I know he should be sleeping more. On days like today, he’s perfectly angelic. Not fussy, eats just about everything in front of him (with the exception of some fruits that he’s not crazy about just yet), smiles, sleeps, and cuddles with an intensity that I find hard to replicate. Days like yesterday, well, he’s teething, so grumpy and couldn’t stand not being held, which makes the hours slow and the time creep. I wouldn’t trade it for the world — either RRBB. I know I’m struggling. I know I’m not getting enough rest. I know I need to stop nursing. I know that the disease is winning these days but I find the joy in the everyday so much more than I ever used to.

We went for a beautiful long walk today along the railpath. There were tonnes of birds: mockingbirds, juncos, red-winged blackbirds, and a giant Canada goose. My friend Kath came with us, and she was walking her gorgeous dog, Mannix. The air’s cool but fresh. The city is quiet because it’s a holiday. And even though I want so much, for it to be warm, for me to lose the baby weight, to not feel the pressure of the disease, I also want to be patient with myself. We aren’t having any more kids. I need to not race through this like everything else I do in life, just to get to the end, and then move on to the next thing. Yet, I’m loving every part of his growing up — I mean, right now the RRHB’s playing the piano and the baby seems to be singing along. It’s so cute it makes you want to eat his toes. He’s kind of screaming like Frank Black at the moment: whaaaaa! Aaaaaa! eeeigh!!!

So my life is made up of moments lately. Some good. Some bad. But all connected by this gift of time that I have before me. Six more months and then it’s back to work. Then the baby is no longer a baby but a toddler and if one more person tells me how fast it’s going to go, I might just start weeping in front of them. I don’t want it to go fast. I want it to be the slow food movement of maternity leave. I want it to be all savoury and with rich spices and lots of new and exciting dishes. And when we need it, a frozen pizza or two.

#32 – Committed

Dear Elizabeth Gilbert,

Should you have ever come to one of my book club meetings, you will have discovered that I am not a fan of the epistolary format. It makes me a bit crazy unless it’s Mary Shelley, actually. Yet, I feel the need to speak to you directly. Perhaps it’s the personal nature of your book or perhaps it’s my own selfish need to write a bit differently today — regardless, here we go, an open letter to you.

An apology to start: I really and truly hated Eat, Pray, Love. I didn’t give it a proper chance, however, and threw the book across the room halfway through India. The voice, the whining, the lack of appreciation for your life’s gifts, it all annoyed me to no end. And then I watched the movie (why oh why does Hollywood insist upon making movies about writers where they never, ever write? Aside from an email or two — to break up with a boyfriend none the less — the Liz Gilbert in the film never picks up a book or a pencil. Annoying. Didn’t that bother you?) and it affirmed my every action in terms of not finishing that book.

Cultural zeitgeist aside, I was weary to read Committed. In fact, I’m not sure why I did — and it took some effort, an extra trip to the library, a hold, actual dedication to read your book while caring for an ever-increasingly needy infant. But am I ever glad that I did. I’m going to say it loud and clear: I’m so very sorry. I was Judgy McJudgerson when it came to EPL, I couldn’t abide by the stories I was hearing of groups of women having themed parties and giving up their own lives for a year of self-journeyment. Maybe I was jealous. Maybe I wanted to be out there too — travelling for year and then writing about it. I mean, it sounds delicious. Yet, something in Committed, maybe it was the word “skeptic” in the book’s subtitle that caught me, or maybe it was the subject matter (being a happily married lady myself but ever-curious about the social and political implications of the institution itself), but I was hooked by the first chapter.

In fact, despite the odd pairing of the more anthropological aspects of the memoir with your own personal experiences, I was somewhat taken in by your obsessive/compulsive need to research just about everything you could possibly about marriage before wearily entering into your own second union. I know Curtis Sittenfeld pointed out that some of the connections between your own research and experiences in limbo while waiting for Felipe’s immigration situation to be sorted stretched thin across your narrative, but I didn’t mind. I enjoyed learning about the people that you met, the marriages you came across, the kind of social history that seems to only be discussed between women but not necessarily written down. Women need to talk more about their differences. Or, rather, women need to be better aware of the social and political implications of marriage around the world — if only to appreciate and understand our own particular wants, needs, and biases.

But what I adored about your book, and what made me feel like a heel for being so judgmental about your first book, was the story about your grandmother. I, too, grew up with a strong natured, extremely intelligent, ridiculously amazing grandmother — a war bride who bravely left her family behind in England to start a new life in Canada with a difficult man, who held her family together tragedy after tragedy, and whom I loved so much that I still think about her every single day. Your grandmother, with her sassy fur coat and her determination, her happiness in that tiny farmhouse with her small kids and everything that she gave up — there’s a richness to her story that I felt was missing from the bits of EPL that I read. Maybe I should have been more patient. Maybe more Maud-like stories would have shown up in the “Love” section of your book. Alas, I didn’t wait around to find out.

I did, however, rip through to the end of this book and was pleased to see that the legalities of your situation worked itself out. That your skepticism still allowed you to take a brave step down the aisle and I could absolutely relate to the idea of wanting to be married but not necessarily needing a “wedding” (we called ours a “non-wedding” for a long time and got married at city hall; it took less than 15 minutes. In fact, the actual “wedding” means so little to either of us that we a) forget our anniversary just about every year and b) neither can remember exactly how long we’ve been married. Some people might think this strange — but for me, and for us, it’s about the relationship, not the piece of paper, about building a life together, not about the institution. In a way, why did we get married at all, one might wonder. But it was important to me to be married and I’m sure it’s exactly as you explore throughout your book — the way I was raised, the example of my parents’ marriage, my grandparents and aunts and uncles.

Also, you have such a grand sense of humour throughout this book that perhaps I missed completely while being so annoyed with EPL? The tone of this book was whip-smart yet still with a questioning when it came to having to do something you were both so against from the beginning of your relationship. Lastly, I can absolutely relate to the obsessive/compulsive way you went about coming to terms with having to get hitched — the research, the restlessness, the ideas of how to still be the “you” that you had discovered after your first failed marriage. And as one who obsesses and has their own compulsive tendencies when it comes to many aspects of my life — it made me feel better to see someone else put it down in writing so eloquently.

So, in short, here’s my apology for being so flippant and, well, cruel. I’m sorry.