Oh, To Remember

Quite a few years ago now, I was living up at Yonge and Eglinton, my least favourite neighbourhood in the city, in an awful city-run apartment building with cockroaches and crazies. The rent was cheap. The commute was easy. I was also working in the financial industry and trying like mad to get some of my writing published so that I could simply call myself something other than a “customer service representative.”

My brother often stayed in the tiny apartment that I shared with another girl (keep in mind it was a bachelor; I don’t know how we all fit) because he was going to school in Toronto at the time and living in Markham. We were up late one night talking about war and Robyn said, “I don’t believe in war,” or something of the like. My brother turned to her and said that if it wasn’t for the Second World War he wouldn’t be here at all — and that’s just the plain truth of the matter.

My maternal grandfather fought, as his father had in the First World War, for the Allies. He met my grandmother in London, where she was born and raised, and they married even before the war had finished. I have copies of their letters to his parents and they are gorgeous. Full of the first blush of love and the kind of happiness that comes just after one gets married, the letters are a wonderful time capsule of their lives. Yet, they’re also so representative of the spirit of the times; I think, at one point, my grandfather writes, “In case you haven’t noticed, we’re fighting a war over here…” to his father. Young men in uniform and young women fighting beyond the homefront. Lives forever changed and generations existing simply because these young men and women were brave enough to make the sacrifice.

Living through a war, I would imagine, is not something one easily forgets. For years my grandmother did not waste anything. She washed and bent the tin cans so they could be easier reused. She made our clothes. She gave me cups of tea and a half an aspirin if I was feeling poorly. But she never really talked about the war. And because she died before I knew enough about the history to ask, I read her letters and feel as though I know her better. I miss her every day. So now when I listen to the pipers on Remembrance Day, I think of all of my relatives here in Canada and abroad who made it possible for me to type these very words you’ve just finished reading. Lest we forget.

Psychic Reading

I am forever amazed at the seemingly psychic ways that reading makes its way into your life. How sometimes, books just choose you. Yesterday after picking my brother up from the hospital, I was driving back to work (and I never drive to work) and noticed how windy it was in the city. The multicoloured leaves were strewn (and continually blowing) all around the streets and it was an amazing site to be seen. You know, it’s one thing to know that the seasons are changing, to see the treetops from the 20th floor and to remark about the prettiness of it all. But it’s quite another thing to experience the seasons: to stand on Bloor Street as the wind whips you into next week, to put out the recycling and kick a pile of leaves around at the bottom of your stairs, to smell the cold, autumn air. It’s so easy to forget the importance of noticing these things as the days get busy with life, stress and (in my case) seemingly never-ending drama (and, well, trauma).

I’ve been reading Oryx and Crake, slowly and it’s reminding me of The Road. Anyway, the edition I have is hardcover and I didn’t want to lug it all the way to work so I picked up Knut Hamsun’s Hunger this morning instead. I bought a second-hand paperback when we were in NYC this summer because it’s been on numerous ‘to be read’ lists that I’ve made over the years. Imagine my delight at finding this sentence: “The fall had come, that cool delicious time of year when everything changed colour and died.”

Just perfect.

Page A Day?

Now that I’m in between assignments, I’m thinking I’ll get back to my page-a-day work schedule that made up the bulk of the first draft of the manuscript. I’m also going to have to get back into the habit of writing on my own stuff instead of a) wasting time blogging and b) wasting time putting myself into an internet coma. Even if I stretch out a few sentences before failing myself in front of the television I’ll at least get back in the habit of working on the book. Next to my family and my RRHB, writing is the most important part of my life. It’s strange how the time slips away around it and I just can’t get there these days.

Deep breaths, right?

A Quote from Goldengrove

Just finished up a meeting with my writer’s group, and it was delightful as always. I am consistently impressed with the talent of my two friends. The deathly illness continues to cloud my overall cheery outlook. If I could only stop coughing, life could finally return to normal. I miss normal. I miss the everyday. I miss September. I miss my mother.

But I was talking about inspiration, so here’s a particularly lovely quote from the beginning of Francine Prose’s Goldengrove:

My father used to say that he and I always wanted to know what everything meant, but that my mother and Margaret only cared about how it sounded.

Delicious, right? One short sentence that sets up an entire family dynamic. Reminds me of the time I stood beside my RRHB at a Tricky Woo show and told him that I loved music that went up and down and not back and forth, and he just understood what I meant.

Free Time

My brain actually physically hurts from work today. I’m uploading the majority of the content for the new corporate website and it’s a little overwhelming. So, for today, a list:

1. I ran into a casual friend on the subway this morning who told me that she’d given up writing for now. My face might have betrayed me ever-so-slightly because I think I was kind of shocked. I’ve never honestly thought of giving up writing completely and I don’t honestly know if I could. So far, my writing hasn’t made me millions but I’m not convinced I’m toiling away in obscurity either. I’ve finished the first draft of one (as yet) unpublished novel, eight or so abridged classics, published some poems, make a fairly decent freelance living so all is not dire. Yet. But writing is such a part of my daily life that I don’t know if I could ever just say, “that’s it, I’m done.” What say you other writers out there?

2. Yawn. Am so tired of the post-blog natterers out there. See above: is a measurable sense of success really the value people put on this product now? Does everything anyone does need to end up with either acclaim or riches for it to be a worthwhile investment of someone’s time?

3. Fringe. When our Faux-Vo exploded last week while we were on vacation, this was the one show that I was truly upset that it didn’t tape. And I can’t quite figure out why. I mean the beginnings are super strong; they’re sharp, intriguing and scary as fark. But the moment that the bad dialogue and the hair flipping starts I simply turn out. When Pacey said some of the doozys he was assigned this week I honestly rolled my eyes. Yet, I can’t turn away.

4. Our cat has lost his voice. Ideas?

5. A new twist on the jump around my writing room dancing: jumping around the hardwood downstairs and racing from corner to corner like I’m back in dance class. Awesome.

6. If you live in Winnipeg, go see my RRHB play tonight.

7. Tonight I have dubbed “Lipstick and Nachos.” Oh yes. Oh yes I have.

8. Has Angelina Jolie reached that Tom Hanksian stage where she’s too famous to disappear into her roles? I’m somewhat intrigued by Changling, only because I generally enjoy Clint Eastwood films (and count Unforgiven as one of my all-time fav pictures) but I’m not sure I’ll be able to forget who she is and enjoy her performance anymore.

9. We watched a crapload of television last weekend. A) Because we had been travelling for what felt like days. B) Because the Faux-Vo was totally clogged up and needed some relief somewhat akin to my gently weeping, cold-infused head. C) Because we were somewhat hungover by our second wedding in two weeks (both were totally fun events BTW) and D) Because sometimes it’s fun to eat chips, watch bad TV and complain about it. Some observations: Dexter pretty much sucks this year; Mad Men has finally come to show some signs of life, I loved this week’s episode; True Blood still isn’t doing anything for me (hot vampire sex aside); and I kind of like where Entourage is headed, maybe something will finally change?

9.5. Okay, I know it’s totally double-u-to-the-rong to ill-eagle-ly dump down pirated episodes of Friday Night Lights but I just. Can’t. Help. It. Last week’s episode made my teeth hurt it was so good. Coach. Oh, Coach. That’s all I’m going to say.

10. With only one outstanding freelance assignment, it seems I no longer have any excuse not to work on my novel. Wish me luck.

Today A Top 10 List

Wow, it’s been a while since I ragdoll-rambled a top 10 list and, while I’m not feeling 100% myself these days, maybe it’s just what I need:

1. Friday Night Lights only available in the US UNTIL FEBRUARY. If this isn’t a call for, ahem, a little ill-eagle downloading I don’t know what is, I just hope they don’t arrest me before catching (SPOILER) a little Lyla / Riggins romp.

2. Other things I’ve noticed about television: the Walkers fight way too much, everyone on SVU is a ham bone, and the woman from Fringe is seriously annoying (but PACEY. Sigh). And many of the new shows this year are lacking in direction, like True Blood (which I’m only watching now so I can see Brad “The Iceman” Colbert).

3. Doesn’t the word GOOP just inspire to you to want to “do better” and “be better” or does it just say WTF is Gwyneth Paltrow on? And who extensively designs a web site all in flash and then doesn’t proceed to upload ANY content. So it’s a lifestyle-type magazine site with one paragraph repeated over and over again in every channel. Content is so king. Whatevs GP, oohhh, maybe it stands for Gwyneth on on Paltrow? Or Go Poop? Because all of that makes sense. Not. (props to Zesty for the link).

4. I hate the new EW redesign. If I wanted to subscribe to Us Weekly, I would have subscribed to US Weekly. I’ve given it a few months and I might not renew my subscription purely out of the fact that it’ll make it that much easier to skip Diablo Cody’s “column.” Meow. I know.

5. Curtis Sittenfeld is one hell of a farking good writer. More on this tk once I finish American Wife, which is one of the best books I’ve read in a long, long time.

6. I am going to be a band widow for a month minus about 5 days. That’s a long time.

7. The Fall makes me want to drink tea.

8. I’ve listened to The Raconteurs concert on NPR about sixteen thousand times. It’s getting so that I know the live versions of the songs better than the recorded ones and get confused in my sing-a-longs. I know one thing for sure: there will be a lot of Racon-racket this month as I can play it as much as I want with my RRHB on the road with the band.

9. My latest abridged classic might honestly be the death of me. I’m 5k words over, two weeks passed the deadline (there were extenuating circumstances), and my fingers have never hurt so much in my entire life.

10. Today my RRHB had our new backdoor and transom installed. He also built a new garage roof. The house is definitely coming together. At least that’s what Astrology Zone keeps telling me will happen this month. I need some good news from the stars. September just about cracked me in half like a nut at Christmas.

Slipping Now, Not Bending

I am afraid that all of the stress and pressure of the last few weeks is costing my head a fair bit of sanity. Over the last many, many years, I’ve managed to hold off the black dogs of depression. I know the difference in my head (as exemplified by three courses of prednisone to treat the disease) between depression and plain old sadness, and I’m trying hard to hold on to the latter before it slips away into the former.

Not sleeping is always the start but that’s coming around now and I’ve had three good nights. Then a prolonged illness doesn’t help (almost two weeks and counting with this damned bronchitis). And add to that all the personal and professional (for lack of a better word) trauma, I kept sending notes to my friends this week saying that not only do I feel besieged, but that I might just crack in two.

So, I’m making lists. I have a hard time leaving the house in the morning filled up with dread at what’s going to happen next. What shoe or ball or other cursed thing might drop and throw me right off course. Deep breaths, right?

Still Bending, Still Almost Breaking

Sleep still remains something far off in the distance like a summer storm or a sailboat. I know I can get there but my body can’t quite muster up the strength to make it happen. Last night the crying started. The darkness isn’t really comforting. Today I had soup and friends at lunch. That was nice. My husband teased me yesterday. That was also nice. But I am over the shock of everything and keep turning the reality of the events of my mother’s death over and over in my mind late at night. Any dreams I have are invaded and mixed up with the smell of hospitals and the pain of knowing even if she did magically get better one day she’s now lost to us forever. It’s not sad. She suffered more in one lifetime than people should ever suffer. I feel I’m less than myself right now. Coughing. Shuffling. Stuck on the subway in a throng of people when I’d much rather be riding my bike. My shoulders slumped and a defeated look on my face.

Bent And Almost Broken

Now besieged by bronchitis that the doctor thinks I probably picked up at the hospital. Have been unable to talk, walk or really do much of anything except sit and watch the television. Watched all of Generation Kill again. It’s a great show. Watched Norma Rae, and enjoyed the film immensely. Started Volver and finished Lions for Lambs (very disappointing film). I need good films and good television right now. At least my brain can wrap itself around them. Deadlines have slipped. Priorities are changing. My heart hurts. So does my chest from all the coughing. I haven’t slept in over a week. First because of everything that was going on and then because I am coughing so much that I wake myself up every fifteen minutes. But there was light on the horizon today. Today, I actually picked up a book.

Weekend Update

We stayed in the city because my RRHB played a festival in Collingwood on Friday night, which meant that after leaving for summer hours, I had a whole band widow afternoon stretched out in front of me. One guess where I ended up: the garden. I did some weeding, picked some beans for dinner and tried to save as many of the tomatoes as humanly possible. We also had two more cucumbers and there are 4 more zucchinis growing.

The cucumber is waning, dying a slow death on the vine, and I’m actually mourning its going. I’ve eaten those cucumbers all summer as snacks and it’s a huge part of how I’m now winning the 18 Pound Challenge. When I saw the final slicer that I think will actually ripen out of the corner of my eye as I was attacking a weed patch near our lone corn plant that will probably not produce any corn, I actually gasped out loud. About a vegetable. So I brought it inside and tenderly sliced it up for dinner alongside the beans that are a mite bit happier now that I pulled the hulking squash out from in front of them (not to worry, our other squash plants are happily growing like mad just on the other side — they’re even starting to flower and bud).

Annnywaay, my Friday band widow afternoon/evening was spent watching some terribly girlie movies (Miss Pettigrew Lives for Day [utterly fetching and truly wonderful] and What Happens in Vegas [meh; of course, meh]) before passing out at about 10 PM and trying to read some of Marilynne Robinson’s Home. Two pages, maybe three?

On Saturday I managed to do more gardening (more weeding; more watering) before meeting Tara for lunch before we went to go see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Aw, those pants, still so enjoyable in a totally can’t-believe-this-cheesy-movie-made-me-cry-more-than-once kind of way. There were some parts that were so ridiculous that we were laughing when we (obviously) shouldn’t have been, but that’s what those movies are for. The most hilarious part of the film wasn’t even on screen. When Kyle MacLachlan showed up as the artsy drama teacher at Carmen’s summer stock, a woman in the row behind us exclaimed, “Oh my god!” Heh. Among other annoyances: why on earth would anyone wear white eyelet to a charcoal drawing class? To any art class? The guy from Swingtown does a terrible Greek accent and is forced to say lines like, “we are terrible at not loving each other.” Bridget goes to an archaeological dig and kisses the bones, all the while bouncing around and then PLAYING SOCCER next to the dig. As Tara said, “She’s a worse archaeologist than Indiana Jones.” But we forgive these indiscretions and even the truly awful pants because they did a really good, honest job of those moments that either change friendship forever or let it evolve as their lives evolve. Those were the parts that made me all teary.

Then it was back on my bike and home to see my RRHB for about 10 minutes before he left for his show at the Horseshoe last night. Meredith came down and met me for a drink beforehand, and then it was off for a night of rock as Fembots played with Cuff the Duke (and I’m so sorry but I don’t remember the other opening band as I completely missed them!). A truly fun four beer evening complete with a joke, a very tall man bobbing his head, and a couple that made out on the dance floor while pretending to be in grade eight. They were awesome.

Despite my ridiculous hangover, I crawled out of bed at 7 AM this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. As a result, I finished a book, biked down to the farmer’s market in Liberty Village, bought some great vegetables, biked home (HOLY CRAP IT WAS HOT AND HARD), and then cleaned out the fridge all before 10:30 AM. We’ve already come and gone from Kensington Market and now I have the whole afternoon in front of me to work on my Classic Starts and finish up my last Harlequin assignment for this month. That’s if I don’t collapse on my keyboard as the dregs of whatever energy I do have left piss out top like the rest of an empty keg (does that even make sense?).

Happy Sunday all.