Word Power

I am about to head out into the garden to start giving our soil a lift. I’ve been reading Diana Athill’s excellent memoir, Somewhere Towards the End, all morning and wanted to share this:

Getting one’s hands into the earth, spreading roots, making a plant comfortable — it is a totally absorbing occupation, like painting or writing, so that you become what you are doing and are given a wonderful release from consciousness of self.

Considering I haven’t felt much like myself lately, maybe some time outside will give my mind a chance to make its way back. Last night, as I was lying on the couch watching television for the 100th day in a row, I decided I’ve lost my self-confidence. But I suppose that’s what trauma does, takes away the delicate balance between putting yourself out into the world and keeping yourself tied up tight, safe. My mother died in September. And it wasn’t an easy death. Like Athill says, she’s been spared the difficulty of death among her family members, quite a feat considering she’s in her 90s now. I envy her. But mainly I’m thankful for this wonderful little book she’s written that seems to be helping me today.

I’ve started a year-long countdown to what I think I might call The Year of Living Royalty. We’ll see how it goes.

Coming Up For Air

Life in general has conspired to keep me away from writing these past few weeks. I’ve spent so much time at a keyboard, both at work and then doing freelance, that working for myself was a chore I just couldn’t add to the list. In fact, all I’ve been doing is writing lists that I never seem to finish, items that never seem to get crossed off, organizational tricks that never seem to actually work. So, of course, it’s no surprise that I’ve ended up with a terrible cough just as spring decides to poke itself up out of my garden in the form of tulips.

We’ve been couch hunting. It’s taken weeks. But at last we ordered both the main stage and a love seat on Saturday morning. I think we’ve been to every single furniture store in the GTA over the past few weeks. The good news is that the deed is finally done and even though we’re incurring costs to have our own fabric put on the couch, at least it’s what we want. The house is looking so wonderful that it’s hard to believe that it’s ours — and it’ll seem like a dream come true when we’re actually living downstairs and enjoying all of my RRHB’s hard work over the last few years.

Annnywaay. I can’t seem to finish anything these days. Not a book. Not a project (have you been within earshot of me complaining?). Not a single damn thing. The foggy-headed disease blues are hovering and just knowing that I’ll soon be off the prednisone isn’t enough to keep me going. Hard work, hard graft, seems all I’m capable of — and it’s a little disappointing to realize that people all around you don’t actually see you for who you are. Someone described me as a “work horse” the other day, and I don’t know why it caught me in the wrong way. I’ve always been a hard worker but right now I just don’t see the point. I’m not enjoying anything at the moment. My heart’s not in it — maybe that’s why the to do list seems never ending. I just don’t have the get up and go to actually get up and get it done.

Annywaaay redux. Today I spent some time in the garden. My RRHB laughed when he saw me hauling the bags of composte from the garage. He said, “There’s no way you’re going to be able to move that dirt.” But the sun had worked its magic over the past few days. The top soil was flexible and I did manage to get one part of the vegetable garden turned. Layers of newspaper, more seeds planted (some spinach; we’ll see how it does), and five bags of dirt, compost and clay reducer later, I think we might just have something. Now if I could only convince my neighbour NOT to do our front gardening. Last week he severed my enter lavendar plant simply becuause he didn’t know what it was — didn’t know that it’s meant to overwinter and not be trimmed back to its bare, bare roots. This is the third lavendar plant he’s destroyed. We keep telling him. He keeps laughing. As you can tell, there’s a language barrier.

What a metaphor for my life at the moment, huh?

TRH The Weekend Edition

It seems that the only time I have for writing these days comes during the weekend. I’ve been working non-stop on my latest Classic Starts manuscript both Saturday and Sunday (of last weekend) and yesterday we spent the day out and about looking at furniture. We are moments away from having the main floor finished (with the exception of the kitchen). The trouble now comes with finding furniture. Every little step (deciding on a wallpaper for the downstairs bathroom, talking about the style of couch that we like) gets us that little bit closer to the goal. But we were both sure tired by the time we got home. I’ve finished two books (The Believer and Life Sentences), watched a really great movie that I’d love to blog about more fully (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), and wish that I didn’t have work to do so I could get to the more fun stuff. Alas, here I go, back to abridging.

The Words That Fill Up A Day

I’ve been banging on about the great content in Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop newsletters for a while now, and another good one arrived yesterday. And the idea of being “spent” got me thinking about how much information passes me by in a single day of working, reading and generally being on this earth. So I’ve decided to keep a rough track today of all the things I’ve done. It’s a running commentary that’s sort of inspired by Twitter, only with more context:

1. Start the day off by reading Book2Book, a UK trade newsletter, on the blackberry. Am drawn to this article that then sends me off to the Colin Robinson diary that I read yesterday afternoon. Ponder this for a second again over breakfast:

This privileging of the writer at the expense of the reader is borne out by statistics showing the annual output of new titles in the US soaring towards half a million. At the same time a recent survey revealed that one in four Americans didn’t read a single book last year. Books have become detached from meaningful readerships. Writing itself is the victim in this shift. If anyone can publish, and the number of critical readers is diminishing, is it any wonder that non-writers – pop stars, chefs, sports personalities – are increasingly dominating the bestseller lists?

Read a little bit of Gabor Mate’s When the Body Says No and start The Master and the Margarita on the way in to work.

2. Read a bit of the Quill and Quire as computer boots up. Glance at Daily Candy, Sweetspot.ca and Shelf Awareness newsletters on the handheld. Simply delete Haro. Shelf Awareness links me to an article on Variety about Pride and Predator. Consistently stunned about this news no matter where it’s reported.

3. Work email. Actual work. Check web stats. Check MSN.

4. Learn about the upcoming Updike bio from Mediabistro. (Briefly considered started Rabbit, Run last night in honour of Updike’s passing but realized how much I hated it when I tried to read it three years ago.)

5. Read an article as it’s posted up on MSN. Put in a missing period.

6. More work email. Meeting about data. More work email. Reading data reports. More work email. Login to both my Twitter accounts. Read the Amazon top 100.

7. Read the daily review over at the new Globe Books section. Am reminding of the best math teacher in the world from high school who actually got me to understand and excel at the subject. And then promptly almost failed in Grade 12 when I got a different teacher who was terrible. Have decided I have severe “arithmophobia.” Browse Media in Canada.

8. This is a question I often ask myself.

9. Reading @stephenfry. It’s work, honest, we have a book coming out by him this summer.

10. Willa Cather’s 100 Year Old Minimalism takes me to Fifty-Two Stories. Am kind of enamoured by the idea of leaving deliberate blank spaces.

11. PW on Fifty-Two Stories.

12. Everywomansvoice via newsletter. Work email. More work email. More more work email.

And that’s only until lunch.

The Pros and Cons of New Year’s Revolutions

I know. I’m only two days in and I’m already fed up with my New Year’s Revolutions. Yet, I’m only two days in and feel the need to write a little so here’s another list:

1. Bringing your lunch means less garbage for the environment (pro) but it also means doing dishes at work (con) with the gross-ass, nasty jclothes they’ve got piled up in the sink where rude-ass people leave their dirties for the cleaning lady to pick up. (con)

2. I have been walking up to Landsdowne in the mornings to get in an extra walk. Now, um, I’ve been trying to use natural deodorant. Let’s just say that I caught myself today and went, “WHAT I HAVE B.O.?” (con)

3. Watching less TV means more time thinking (pro) and reading (pro) and writing of to do lists. Currently, I’m 1/3 of the way through the one for this week (Jan 5th). (con; only because I’m tired, really, really tired, stupid prednisone)

4. “I will be zen at work. I will be zen at work. I will be zen at work.” (pro/con).

5. Bringing your lunch means not seeing your friends. I like my friends. I miss them. I am giving myself one day a week for an “out” lunch. This week it’s Friday with Munro. (pro)

6. I see the Super-Fancy Disease Doctor tomorrow for a check up. No fear. (pro)

7. Post-holiday gift baskets piled high with chocolate and other yummies remain untouchable to me. (con)

8. Detoxing and not eating sugar makes me one crabby person. (con)

9. Music is good. And I’ve been listening to tonnes of it lately as I’m writing as I’m cleaning as I’m working. (pro)

10. Next week as I add in the no dairy clause to the cleanse, I am sure I will be a nightmare to deal with. (con)

How you all doing with your resolutions?

Sunday Evening Ramblings

It’s back to work tomorrow. After over a week off, and a good time to decompress, I’m still not sure if I’m 100% in the mind set. Most of today was spent fiddling about with my to do list — remincient of the last time I spent an extended period of time at home — and trying to finish as many as humanly possible before starting to make dinner. Some things:

1. I tend to write the same item in different ways forgetting that I’ve listed it already, hence three or four entries relating to budget, charity payments and/or swapping out our new chequing account information.

2. Can you learn French simply by listening to Edith Piaf?

3. For two of my items I will need to pull out a needle and thread. Um, yeah, like that’s going to happen…

4. Is it pathetic to have “read the paper” on your to do list so you don’t forget and leave it sitting for two weeks before cutting out the crossword and then tossing the whole thing in the recycling bin?

5. I have grown quite attached to GOOP. Huh. It’s actually full of good recipes, solid lifestyle-type content and the newsletter’s really easy to read. The name, however, still sucks.

6. My RRHB is now completely and totally obsessed with Gordon Ramsay.

7. I managed to put off ANY work whatsoever until this afternoon. The break was brilliant. But it just made me think of how much I could get accomplished if I stayed at home all the time.

8. Procrastination is also a wonderful tool. I didn’t write a single word for my own work but my house sure is clean. No more excuses.

9. The Wire is still the best show television has ever produced.

10. In the end I had 102 items on my to do list and managed to cross off 61 — that’s not so bad. Now I need to rewrite it for tomorrow! Whee!

New Year’s Revolutions 2009

Last year I had 5 New Year’s Revolutions (thus named because it’s so easy to break a “resolution”, natch) and a few of them I actually managed to integrate into my life.

Revisiting 2008 and 2007
I did finish an entire draft of my first novel, much to my surprise. I have lost weight, about 14 pounds so far, and know that it was the methotrexate contributing to my being unable to lose it. Now that I’m back on prednisone, I’ll have to work even harder to try and keep it off. And while I’m not sure if I’m less judgmental, I have learned from my mistakes, am more positive, and my life is certainly is better for it. Again this year I failed to watch less TV, and I did cut down on my celebrity gossip (with a few slacker “internet coma” days where I relapsed), but the budgeting has gone haywire over the past few months. I am still saving, though.

New Years Revolutions for 2009

I think I’ll do a top 10 list this year just for fun:

1. Try to Live with Less Clutter
I’ve spent the past few days gutting my house of clutter. Our ENTIRE giant recycling bin is full of stuff I have purged — from old credit card statements to useless office accoutrements (why did I hang on to those strange mesh-like inboxes from Shift magazine when the office closed, oh, 10 YEARS AGO?). My bedroom closet is clean and organized. My drawers have all been vacuumed and neatly organized. I know where things are and plan to keep it that way. As my RRHB says, “the problem starts when you bring all that stuff INTO the house.” I am a packrat with a sentimental streak; it’s in my nature, but I simply can’t live with all the junk anymore. Something has to give. There’s a great article here on Style at Home that’s already helped me in terms of decluttering.

2. Be Zen About Work
One of the greatest lessons I’ve had in my life came in the form of being let go from a job that I hated in the first place. I spent a lot of time being angry about it. I spent a lot of energy despising the woman who was once my boss. I spent a lot of time worrying about what I’d do differently. In the end, all it did was make me sick, all the stress from that situation kicked off fighting the disease for another five years, and I vowed I’d not make that mistake again. But here we are, all these years later and the week that my job imploded happily corresponded with the death of my mother and my father-in-law’s heart attack. It was one of the hardest weeks of my life.

I’ve decided that my job might not be perfect, it might not be everything I’d hoped it would be, but I’m going to give it a chance and not make all the same mistakes I did when I worked for the television empire. So far, it’s working: I’m calmer, I don’t react with my temper, I do my best, I do what’s asked of me, and I’ve started asking for things in return. By “zen” I don’t mean to debase anyone’s religion, it’s more the approach I want to take about work: I can’t change the fact that I have to work, I can only change my response to it. Taking more deep breaths, not getting worked up, thinking before I act and then acting responsibly — all in order to achieve a sense of balance, that’s my goal.

3. Watch Less TV
TV is the ultimate time waster, as much as I do adore it. I’ve only watched a little bit in the evenings this past week and have accomplished so much. I’m going to try and watch less TV on the weekends and try to limit weeknights to just a couple of hours.

4. Bring My Lunch
This one’s simple: we’re sitting on the edge of broke right now. We need to save more, spend less and one easy way of doing this is bringing my lunch more than once a month. I also want to eat more wholesome food, more soups, less bagels, more vegetables, less candy, and this is one way of eating better. That doesn’t mean I won’t go out once or twice a week, it just means I’ll stop running to the food court when I feel desperate.

5. Buy Less, Use What I Have, Create More
As above, we’re trying to finish the house so every penny is allocated and I need to break the bad online shopping habit. I know I won’t be able to NOT shop at all, but I can cut down on the amount I spend, buy things on sale, wait until I have more than just one item to purchase so that there are more bits and pieces in each packages (better for the environment). I’m also going to try to use things I already have: wear all the clothes in my closet; buy and then eat the groceries we have in the fridge and in the cupboard; fix things before throwing them out, etc. I also want to knit more — but that’s a separate entry. I’m also thinking of pulling out my sewing machine, getting it tuned up, and taking a course or two in dressmaking. I love skirts and wish that I could make some of my own. Maybe this is the year to try. I’m also including gardening in this revolution: it’ll be bigger, better and yummier this year, I’m already feeling positive — the photo for this entry is one of my bean plants from last year, and it just reminds me how much I enjoy eating, cooking, and growing my own vegetables (even if I hate gardening).

6. Stop The Internet Coma
I remember the heady days of my first internet usage where I surfed for literary magazines and sent off all kinds of submissions. I remember doing research for grad school and discovering great information. Fast forward 10 years and I can spend entire days reading celebrity gossip, hounding the IMDB for who knows what and chasing down obscure pop culture references. I’m not saying any of this is a bad thing; it’s who I am, a pop culture junkie, but when it takes over AN ENTIRE DAY of my life, it’s more of a symptom of boredom than anything else. It’s time that could be put to better use.

7. Get More Regular Exercise
I know, this is on everyone’s list. Over the past few years I’ve managed yoga, dance classes, biking, walking, swimming — but all sporadically. There’s a community centre around the corner from our house. My to-do list for this week includes stopping by and finding out the swim times, the gym times and membership-type stuff. My RRHB also had a wonderful suggestion to combat my winter blues: “get outside for winter activities.” He says that if we just did more winter-type stuff, ice skating, skiing, walking, we’d find it less depressing. He’s right.

8. No Fear
So much of my anxiety comes from being afraid of things, of what might happen, of the disease, of getting fired, of people thinking poorly of me, of my own self-imposed criticism — and it all contributes to a knot that sits in the middle of my chest on an almost daily basis. I don’t know what makes me so afraid and I don’t know how to change this part of my personality. But I do know that it’s a great part of where my stress comes from and I’m going to need to figure a way through it. I don’t want to live in fear anymore. I’m too young and too old to be dealing with such a basic nothing in terms of what really matters.

9. Finish What I Start
Another self-explanatory item, but it’s so true, I have half-done knitting projects, unfinished manuscripts, outstanding to do lists, and it’s never ending. 2009 is The Year of Finishing Dangerously. I need to complete projects before moving on to the next one.

10. Read Even More
Books are glorious things. There are so many I want to read so again I’m setting the goal at 100 books that I can blog. I think I probably hit about 90 this year with Harlequin and books I read for work and didn’t blog. I guess we’ll see if I hit the goal this year!

So that’s about it — 2009 New Year’s Revolutions. Any suggestions for how I can get there?

Another Day, Another Pile Of Junk

I’m back at it today, culling, organizing, tidying up, all kinds of busy activities to rid my life of clutter. It’s an ongoing battle. I feel kind of like Henry V at Agincourt but without the poetry of Shakespeare.

Have you voted for your “Obama’s playlist” song yet? I just sent in a note about my RRHB’s song “The City.” Are we taking bets to see how many terribly lame and utterly overused Canadian music will actually end up on the list? To be truthful, the music should be more than simply by a Canadian artist but truly reflect who we are as a country. Not an easy task, I’m sure.

I finally got around to reading the weekend paper this morning only to discover (where have I been?) that Harold Pinter passed away. J. Kelly Nestruck’s tribute was lovely but I was inspired by Pinter’s Nobel Prize acceptance speech:

It’s a strange moment, the moment of creating characters who up to that moment have had no existence. What follows is fitful, uncertain, even hallucinatory, although sometimes it can be an unstoppable avalanche. The author’s position is an odd one. In a sense he is not welcomed by the characters. The characters resist him, they are not easy to live with, they are impossible to define. You certainly can’t dictate to them. To a certain extent you play a never-ending game with them, cat and mouse, blind man’s buff, hide and seek. But finally you find that you have people of flesh and blood on your hands, people with will and an individual sensibility of their own, made out of component parts you are unable to change, manipulate or distort.

So language in art remains a highly ambiguous transaction, a quicksand, a trampoline, a frozen pool which might give way under you, the author, at any time.

Nattering Nothings

All the freelance is done for now. My latest Classic Start doesn’t need any further revisions (oh yeah baby!). I haven’t heard back from Penguin about the sample chapter I wrote for them so I’m guessing I didn’t get that job (which is totally okay). Got some good feedback from Harlequin about my latest blurbs. Things are slowing down at work-work. We babysat our nephew yesterday which was a ball (there’s a fun picture on Facebook). My RRHB’s over his cold (almost). I’m feeling puffy, tired and crabby about the meds (and the multiple doctors visits and now-starting neverending pokes and prods re: tests). I love the week between Christmas and New Year (our anniversary; lots of reading time; plenty of afternoon movies). The world is about to be dumped in piles of snow (white Christmas, yay!). Spent most of the day catching up on book blogs for work (have been so busy haven’t read any in ages). Am working through a 3 AM to do list and already resenting the prednisone for mucking up my sleeping. Is it 5 PM yet? Am mulling over Reading Challenges and how to organize my sh*t for next year. Wish that I finished another draft of my own novel this year but have decided my two new years revolutions will be: “Don’t live in fear” and “Finish what you start.” Two of my bestest friends will be in Ontario over the holidays (one from Paris; the other Vancouver) and I’ll get to see them both. What’s new with you?

Goodness

A whole week has gone by and I haven’t said a word. I haven’t done much after work this week except do more work (freelance, freelance, freelance) and all I’ve been reading are Harlequin novels (which will add about 20 books to my end of year tally only I won’t be reviewing them). We haven’t gone to see any movies and last weekend dealt with a disaster at the cottage (broken pipes and way too much water). I visited some old friends (and caught up with their lives with loads of hugs). This weekend I’m going to see Twilight (of course I am!) even if I continue to refuse to read the book. My RRHB is off again on tour (just for four days). And we’re celebrating the 40th anniversary of the Toronto Dance Theatre. In addition to more work on Saturday and Sunday, I think I’m going to try to do some holiday shopping to beat the rush. And finally finish Oryx and Crake. Mainly, though, I really just need a rest. Life seems to be passing me by these days at a breathtaking pace.