Yesterday might have been the worst “disease day” I’ve had in a few years. The full implication of the side effects from the prednisone came crashing down as I came face to face with the crazies. Suppressing my immune system means I keep catching all kinds of infections, which aren’t worth noting except to say that combined it’s all just a bit too much. Spent much of yesterday vacillating between bawling in my cubicle and wanting to drive myself head first out our 20th floor window. I know it’s not rational. I know it’s the prednisone. Having been through this all before, I can recognize that the medicine is turning my brain into a gloomy source of desperation and despair, but it still doesn’t make it any easier to get through the day.
Sometimes, just sometimes, it’s hard to stay positive when something so strong pulls you in the other direction. I fell down a little yesterday and just cried for a good long while. My RRHB was very kind by the time I got home and let me get it all out. Really, all I wanted was someone to tell me that it’s all worth it, that it’s a good thing to keep fighting the disease, that it’s a good thing I’m not dead. I know none of this is rational. But there are moments when I can’t pull myself up from under the weight of it all.
Today, though, is better.
I’m glad today is better. Thinking healthy thoughts in your direction.
I’ve been there. I had to use massive doses of prednisone to fight organ rejection after my kidney transplant. That stuff made me psychotic and I tried to carry on like everything was normal when it wasn’t. Keep telling yourself that things WILL get better. I’m so sorry you are forced to endure this but please hang in there. I’m thinking about you.
At least you recognize that it is something external to yourself that is affecting you. Still, I know you have your days and I am always here for a good vent.
And may tomorrow and the days to come be even better.
It’s rough. And a good cry once in awhile is not only unavoidable but necessary.
I hope the days keep on getting better! Hang in there!
I hope that you feel better soon…I am sending healing and cheering thoughts your way. It is good to be able to write things down and vent…we are all listening.
Tamara
I have awarded your blog,
Tamara
i can so relate, u have no idea. i just posted a yes.we.can post to remind myself to keep fighting the good fight and to not give up. today wasn’t the hardest day but trust me there have been some rough ones already in 2009. i am with you sister.
The fighting is so worth it. Because YOU are worth it. You’re an amazing person, and the more I get to know you, the more amazed I am by your talent, guts and strength. And of course, your great sense of humour, which I’m sure has aided in your survival over the years. But a good cry from time time is necessary, too. Fight the good fight.