my tragic right hip

Busting out bad joints all over the place

May 9th, 2012

OMG: What IS This Feeling?

No aches. Very little sinus pain. Fatigue not crippling — what is happening this week? What? WHAT? I am starting to feel better. And what a difference better makes. I need every single bit of energy I have in the last few days — RRBB has a wicked cold, and we had supper guests on Monday, and more supper guests to come later on in the week, and then a cottage to get to this weekend, all of which means that there’s no time to pause to feel sorry for myself, really, I’m just too tired. But, for the first time in months, the tired is a good kind of tired. It’s not a fatigue that’s threatening to overtake me, disease-addled, crippling exhaustion. It’s a “my life is really busy right now” and “isn’t it fun to have a bit of a life” kind of tired.

The slowness that I’ve been craving will need to come from my own attitude because I know that if I get manically stressed out about stuff, about work, about life, about the baby, then the disease perks up again and pokes its way out into my body. Learning to manage stress has never been a strong point for me; it’s never been something that I’ve been remotely successful at doing. Sure, I can read magazines and articles and books and talk to people and doctors and blah de blah but it all comes down to the fact that I’m a worrier. My mother was a worrier. My grandmother was a worrier. My aunts are worriers. My whole family’s steeped in a long-standing tradition of completely and utterly freaking out about everything.

So it’s really hard to fight against the genes that rage just as hard as the disease. I wish I had time for restorative yoga. I wish I had time for more exercise (the, um 10 situps I attempted yesterday were almost as painful as, well, the first labour pains, WHAT happens to your poor stomach post-C-section is redonkulous). All of the things that I used to do to calm my life down, the meditation, the yoga, I simply don’t have time for with the pace of life with the RRBB. In all of my discussions with other moms, they’ve all carved out time for themselves, little bits here and there, and I’m doing that more and more. Riding the exercise bike every night or every other night after work has helped immensely.

Plus, I got these super-cute green shoes that put me in a good mood whenever I wear them. There’s delicious spring rain happening that smells awesome. I’m reading again. I’ve got all kinds of ideas bouncing around my head. And that’s the thing that I notice the most when I feel better — my whole body works better, not just physically, but mentally as well. I’m happier. I’m lighter. I’m in a groove. It’s amazing to realize just how being sick is such a drain. It’s something you only see when you’re a few steps out of it, and it’s also awfully easy to take these few good days for granted, which I’m trying very hard not to do.

One Response to “OMG: What IS This Feeling?”

  • Annie says:

    I had a bit of downtime this morning and I read about you feeling lighter and happier (with some very attractive shoes), and you know, your lovely mood made me feel happier too. So thanks for that!

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about me

Girl with titanium hip will rock. Girl with titanium hip will write. Girl with titanium hip will read. Girl with titanium hip will battle crazy-ass disease called Wegener's Granulomatosis. Now stuff that in your spelling bee!

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